Bill McIntyre
12-16-2006, 01:13 PM
This is my Christmas present to you conservatives.:)
*************************************
The history of the world - As it really happened:
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during
the summer
and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the
winter. The two most important events in all of history were
the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The
wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the
foundation of modern civilization and together were the
catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct
subgroups:
1. Liberals
and
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the
beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor
aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were
sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just
stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q
at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning
of what is known as the Conservative movement. Other men who
were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the
conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing
the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the
beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The
rest became
known as girliemen.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication
of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the
concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat
and beer that conservatives provided. Over the years
conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are
symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most
prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish
but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food
are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary
side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels
than their men. Most social workers, personal injury
attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group
therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated
hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also
bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still
provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters,
rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen,
medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives,
athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who
want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the
producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals
believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is
why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives
were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was
tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted
that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to
the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply
laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history
that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers
and to more liberals just to piss them off.
*************************************
The history of the world - As it really happened:
Humans originally existed as members of small bands of nomadic
hunters/gatherers. They lived on deer in the mountains during
the summer
and would go to the coast and live on fish and lobster in the
winter. The two most important events in all of history were
the invention of beer and the invention of the wheel. The
wheel was invented to get man to the beer. These were the
foundation of modern civilization and together were the
catalyst for the splitting of humanity into two distinct
subgroups:
1. Liberals
and
2. Conservatives.
Once beer was discovered, it required grain and that was the
beginning of agriculture. Neither the glass bottle nor
aluminum can were invented yet, so while our early humans were
sitting around waiting for them to be invented, they just
stayed close to the brewery. That's how villages were formed.
Some men spent their days tracking and killing animals to B-B-Q
at night while they were drinking beer. This was the beginning
of what is known as the Conservative movement. Other men who
were weaker and less skilled at hunting learned to live off the
conservatives by showing up for the nightly B-B-Q's and doing
the sewing, fetching, and hair dressing. This was the
beginning of the Liberal movement.
Some of these liberal men eventually evolved into women. The
rest became
known as girliemen.
Some noteworthy liberal achievements include the domestication
of cats, the invention of group therapy, group hugs, and the
concept of Democratic voting to decide how to divide the meat
and beer that conservatives provided. Over the years
conservatives came to be symbolized by the largest, most
powerful land animal on earth, the elephant. Liberals are
symbolized by the jackass.
Modern liberals like imported beer (with lime added), but most
prefer white wine or imported bottled water. They eat raw fish
but like their beef well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food
are standard liberal fare. Another interesting evolutionary
side note: most of their women have higher testosterone levels
than their men. Most social workers, personal injury
attorneys, journalists, dreamers in Hollywood and group
therapists are liberals. Liberals invented the designated
hitter rule because it wasn't fair to make the pitcher also
bat.
Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat and still
provide for their women. Conservatives are big-game hunters,
rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction workers, firemen,
medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives,
athletes, Marines, and generally anyone who works productively.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who
want to work for a living.
Liberals produce little or nothing. They like to govern the
producers and decide what to do with the production. Liberals
believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is
why most of the liberals remained in Europe when conservatives
were coming to America. They crept in after the Wild West was
tamed and created a business of trying to get more for nothing.
Here ends today's lesson in world history: It should be noted
that a Liberal may have a momentary urge to angrily respond to
the above before forwarding it. A Conservative will simply
laugh and be so convinced of the absolute truth of this history
that it will be forwarded immediately to other true believers
and to more liberals just to piss them off.