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Old 06-16-2004, 11:01 PM   #1
Capt. Morgan
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Talking Are you a "Liberal" or a "Conservative?"

From Capt. Ken's web site...http://bigbendsportsman.com/

The division of the human family into its two distinct branches occurred
some 10,000 years ago, a few hundred years after the flood. Humans coexisted
as members of small bands of nomadic hunter/gatherers. In the pivotal event
of societal evolution, beer was invented. This epochal innovation was both
the foundation of modern civilization and the occasion of the great
bifurcation of humanity into its two distinct subgroups: Liberals and
Conservatives.

Once beer was discovered, it required grain, and that was the beginning of
agriculture. Neither the glass bottle or aluminum can had yet been invented,
so it was necessary to stick pretty close to the brewery. That's how
villages were formed.

Some men spent their days killing animals to barbeque at night while they
were drinking beer. This was the beginning of the conservative movement.

Other men who were weaker and less skilled at hunting, learned how to live
off conservatives by showing up for the BBQs every night and doing women's
work like sewing, fetching and hair dressing. This was the beginning of the
liberal movement. Later, some of the liberals actually became women.

Liberal achievements include the domestication of cats, invention of group
therapy and democratic voting to see how to divide the beer and meat that
the conservatives provided. Women were not interested in democracy at that
time because most of them were still women back then, and the
conservatives fed them.

Conservatives are symbolized by the largest, most powerful land animal on
earth. Liberals are symbolized by the jackass.

Modern Liberals like imported beer (they add lime), but most prefer white
wine or foreign water in a bottle. They eat raw fish but like their beef
well done. Sushi, tofu, and French food are on liberal menus Their women
have more testosterone than the men. Liberals like deviant sex and want
others to like it too. Their first successful city governments were Sodom
and Gomorrah.

Most social workers, personal injury attorneys, journalists, and group
therapists are Liberals.
Liberals invented the designated hitter rule in baseball because it wasn't
"fair" to make the pitcher also bat.

Conservatives drink domestic beer. They eat red meat, and still provide for
their women.
Conservatives are big-game hunters, rodeo cowboys, lumberjacks, construction
workers, medical doctors, police officers, corporate executives, soldiers,
athletes, and generally anyone who works productively outside government.
Conservatives who own companies hire other conservatives who want to work
for a living.

Liberals do not produce anything. They like to "govern" the producers and
decide what is to be done with the production.
Liberals believe Europeans are more enlightened than Americans. That is why
most of the liberals just stayed in Europe when conservatives were coming to
America.

Conservatives have principles; believe in a Creator, and the rule of law.
They practice charity and give to the poor, normally through their churches.
When in doubt on an issue, they check both the Bible and the Constitution,
which they use as a constant reference in a changing world. They believe in
the concept of truth.

Liberals do not have principles, except for their dedication to stealing
production of conservatives and undermining principled references such as
the Bible and Constitution. They are never in doubt on an issue because they
always do whatever is best for them without regard to others. They have no
standard of reference.
Liberals do not give to charity. They cultivate the poor like a cat
cultivates a field of mice. They use the poor as voters and give them a
portion of stolen tax money, which they vote away from conservatives.

Conservatives believe in self-defense, both at home and abroad. They own
guns and use them to discourage liberals and other common criminals. They
provide guns to the armed forces to discourage foreign liberals and other
foreign criminals.

Liberals do not believe in conservative self-defense. They disarm
conservatives, and then attack them with impunity by liberal armies with
guns. King George, Hitler and Stalin were all liberals who abandoned the
rule of Law, had no principles except their own self-indulgence, and
attempted to tax and govern conservatives.
Liberals believe in BIG government. They think the United Nations is the
ultimate answer.

Conservatives believe in the rule of law and when sitting on juries, convict
common criminals and acquit fellow conservatives who have been charged by
liberals. When serving in the armed forces, they shoot liberals from other
countries who want to govern our country.
Conservatives know the difference between a common-sense law and a
bone-headed statute passed by some liberal from Massachusetts. When sitting
on juries, they do not enforce bone-headed statutes, and don't explain their
reasons.

Liberals only believe in whatever laws are appealing to them, such as the
privilege of making a living by taxing conservatives. When sitting on
juries, liberals convict producers and acquit liberals and other common
criminals. Modern Judges are all liberals as they do not produce anything
except chaos, and are paid with confiscated tax money. They consider it
against the law to reference any source of law such as the Bible or
Constitution. Like other liberals, they just make it up as they go and do
what is best for them. Judge Roy Bean is their model.

The American cowboy, of course, is your basic, full-bore Conservative. A
hundred years ago, an Englishman visiting Texas was attempting to find the
owner of a huge cattle ranch. He rode up to one of the ranch hands, and
inquired, "Pardon me, but could you perhaps tell me where I might locate
your master?" To which the cowboy replied, "That Son-of-a-***** ain't been born yet."
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Old 06-17-2004, 08:27 AM   #2
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Somebody actually wasted their time to write that down?? I don't know about you, but I've met plenty of sorry ass pansy conservatives and more than a few liberals that would be more than willing to beat your ass if you asked for it
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Old 06-17-2004, 08:47 AM   #3
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ITS OVER WAKE UUUUPPPPP.......
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Old 06-17-2004, 03:15 PM   #4
apexpredator
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Steelnutz says "Conservatives......believe in the CONCEPT of truth".....so why does ACTUAL truth seem to elude them?
If liberals "took away your guns" with the assault weapon ban then why didn't the present Conservative run white house and congress give them back to you this year when they could have by not renewing the legislation? I personally don't agree with the bill since it is only a token gesture to ease peoples irrational fear of firearms by vilifying and outlawing a group of specific guns that "look"nasty. Clearly this time around Conservatives can rest easy knowing that this time it was their side who imposed a few more years of restrictions on them.
Here's something that may be news to you but not all liberals are candy ass preservationist vegitarians. What kind of spell does the Republican party have over you. Have they convinced you that they personify your moral ideals and are looking out for your best interest. Was it that $300 check we all got during this administrations first couple of days. If it is then they bought you cheap. Unless you are the CEO of some energy company or the descendant of some tycoon family I bet $300 is as much of the tax cut as you will ever see. Don't worry well have another ten years of trying to figure out who really got all the money while we dig out from the trillion dollar deficit this administration will tack up. Maybe it's the school voucher they offered you. That $500 bucks means that you are now only $17500/semester away from the tuition you would have to pay to get the same education Bush senior got at Exeter Prepatory school when he was a kid. Maybe it's because Conservatives finally proved that a self described C student who legacied into Yale can become president....(but don't get your hopes up that is only if you are filthy stinking rich and your daddy is well connected).
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Last edited by apexpredator; 06-17-2004 at 03:18 PM.
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Old 06-17-2004, 05:01 PM   #5
WreckDiver
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Nevermind AJ its not over
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Old 06-17-2004, 09:05 PM   #6
Capt. Morgan
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Ladies...Ladies! Now, now... don't get all wrapped up in this. It's only a joke. I read it on another web site and thought I would share. I just loved the last line. That's all. Truth be known I'm an independent
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Old 06-17-2004, 09:12 PM   #7
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Angry liberals make me laugh.
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Old 06-17-2004, 10:35 PM   #8
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Why are liberals always so angry about being called a liberal?
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Old 06-18-2004, 08:13 AM   #9
eyyeball
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They aren't liberal, they're "INDEPENDENTS" remember?
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Old 06-18-2004, 08:53 AM   #10
Graham
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No matter what, it's still pretty damn funny.
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Old 06-18-2004, 09:03 AM   #11
junior
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This thread's still going? Ya'll can sure keep yourselves entertained. It reminds me of the Saturday Night Live skit where Will Ferrell does an imitation of George W. Bush playing with a ball of string in the corner of the oval office
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Old 06-18-2004, 09:48 AM   #12
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"Why are liberals always so angry about being called a liberal?"

Why is anyone that's not a "fully committed, don't even start to think otherwise" Republican, labled a "Liberal" by these people? There's a stigma attached to the word "Liberal" that's been propagated by the right wing media, the following link provides some insight on this.

http://www.joecitizen.org/liberalsfail.html

If you think attacking anyone that's not on the far right is good for America..think again. All you're doing is subverting part of the first amendment, "freedom of speech".

Damn it, I told myself I wouldn't be dragged into this morass. BTW, I'm independent. I don't fully agree with any parties views.
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― Frederic Bastiat, The Law
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Old 06-18-2004, 10:40 AM   #13
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BTW, its a joke.
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