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Old 04-10-2018, 07:52 AM   #466
Marcus
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

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“If the natural tendencies of mankind are so bad that it is not safe to permit people to be free, how is it that the tendencies of these organizers are always good? Do not the legislators and their appointed agents also belong to the human race? Or do they believe that they themselves are made of a finer clay than the rest of mankind?”
― Frederic Bastiat, The Law
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Old 04-10-2018, 02:27 PM   #467
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

Why do ducks have feathers?

To cover their butt quacks.
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Old 04-24-2018, 05:41 AM   #468
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

I saw a ridiculously funny house in Italy for sale.
It loooks sooooo weird, and they actually think they are gonna sell it for 100 000 euro?
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Old 06-13-2018, 03:30 PM   #469
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

Nancy Pelosi called Chuck Schumer one day and said, I have a plan to help us win the midterms in 2018 and help us regain control of Congress.

"Great Nancy, but how?" asked Chuck...

"We'll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the shelter and pick up a Labrador retriever, and we'll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there."

So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman, Montana. With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar. The Bartender took a step back and said, "Hey! Aren't you Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi?"

"Yes we are!" said Nancy, "And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Chuck suggested we stop and take in some local color." They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.

A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out. A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar. For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog's tail, and left shaking their heads.

Finally, Nancy asked, "Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog's tail? Is it some sort of custom?"

"Lord no," said the bartender. "Someone's out there running around town, claiming there's a Labrador Retriever in here with two assholes.

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Old 08-02-2018, 09:44 PM   #470
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly
gentleman and an elderly lady
struck up a conversation and discovered that
they both loved to fish.
Since both of them were widowed,
they decided to go fishing together the next day.
The gentleman picked the lady up, and they
headed to the river to his fishing boat and
started out on their adventure.

They were riding down the river when there was a
fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady,

'Do you want to go up or down?'

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt
and pants and made mad passionate love to the man
right there in the boat !

When they finished, the man couldn't believe
what had just happened, but he had just experienced
the best sex that he'd had in years.

They fished for a while and continued on down the
river, when soon they came upon another fork in the
river.

He again asked the lady , 'Up or down ?'

There she went again, stripped off her clothes,
and made wild passionate love to him again.

This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so
he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day,
riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in
river, and the elderly gentleman asked, 'Up or down ?'

The woman replied, 'Down.'

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman
guided the boat down the river when he came upon
another fork in the river and he asked the
lady,’ Up or down ?'

She replied, 'Up.'

This really confused the gentleman so he asked,

'What's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked
you if you wanted to go up or down you made mad passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!'

She replied, 'Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing
my hearing aid and I thought the choices were
f**k or drown...
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The true divide in America is between taxpayers and those who "game" the system. Everything else is a smokescreen to obscure that reality.

Protecting the US borders is LAWFULL- not racist.
Fabricating lies and passing it off as news is dishonest and corrupt and not worthy of protection.
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Old 08-02-2018, 09:47 PM   #471
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

Being Amish my son and I were visiting a mall for the first time. We were amazed by almost everything we saw, but especially by two shiny, silver doors that moved apart and back together again.

My son asked, “What is this, Father?” and having never been to a mall myself, I responded “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

We stood watching in amazement, watching wide-eyed. Just then an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving doors and pressed a button. The doors opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room and the doors closed behind her. My son and I watched as small numbered circles lit up above the doors. 1-2-3-2-1

The doors opened up again and a beautiful young woman stepped out. Immediately I said, “That’s incredible! Quick son, go get your mother!”
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“If the natural tendencies of mankind are so bad that it is not safe to permit people to be free, how is it that the tendencies of these organizers are always good? Do not the legislators and their appointed agents also belong to the human race? Or do they believe that they themselves are made of a finer clay than the rest of mankind?”
― Frederic Bastiat, The Law
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Old 08-03-2018, 08:04 PM   #472
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

Obama, Oprah, trump, and a little girl were on a plane about to crash. There were only three parachutes. trump grabs one and jumps out. Oprah grabs another and jumps. Obama looks at the little girl and says “you are the future; you take the third”. The little girl replies “there is a parachute for each of us; dumbass trump jumped out wearing my backpack”.
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Old 08-03-2018, 10:46 PM   #473
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by dr.ed View Post
Obama, Oprah, trump, and a little girl were on a plane about to crash. There were only three parachutes. trump grabs one and jumps out. Oprah grabs another and jumps. Obama looks at the little girl and says “you are the future; you take the third”. The little girl replies “there is a parachute for each of us; dumbass trump jumped out wearing my backpack”.
You might have missed the forum section labeled "Politics and Religion". That's where this belongs as it is clearly political.
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The true divide in America is between taxpayers and those who "game" the system. Everything else is a smokescreen to obscure that reality.

Protecting the US borders is LAWFULL- not racist.
Fabricating lies and passing it off as news is dishonest and corrupt and not worthy of protection.
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Old 08-04-2018, 06:53 AM   #474
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

I went to the liquor store Tuesday afternoon on my bicycle, bought a bottle of Jack Daniels and put it in the bicycle basket.

As I was about to leave, I thought to myself that if I fell off the bicycle, the bottle would break.

So I drank all the Jack Daniels before I cycled home.

It turned out to be a very good decision, because I fell off my bicycle seven times on the way home.
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Fishing is like sex, you don't have to be good at it to enjoy it.
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Old 08-04-2018, 06:54 AM   #475
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

Quote:
Originally Posted by techwiz44 View Post
You might have missed the forum section labeled "Politics and Religion". That's where this belongs as it is clearly political.
And post 469 is Not Political.....?
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Old 08-04-2018, 03:34 PM   #476
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

A fleeing Taliban terrorist, desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he raced toward the mirage, only to find a frail little Jewish man standing at a small makeshift display rack - selling ties.
The Taliban terrorist asked, "Do you have water?"
The Jewish man replied, "I have no water. Would you like to buy a tie? They are only $5."
The Taliban shouted, "Idiot Infidel! I do not need your over-priced western adornment. I spit on your ties. I need water!”
"Sorry, no water, just ties - pure silk, only $5."
"I curse your ties! I should wrap one around your scrawny neck and choke the life out of you but . . . I must conserve my energy and find water!"
"Okay," said the little Jewish man. “It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie from me, or that you hate me, threaten my life, and call me infidel. I am bigger than any of that.
If you go over that hill to the east for two miles, you will find a restaurant with fine food and all the ice-cold water you need. Go In Peace."
Cursing him again, the desperate Taliban staggered away, over the hill.
Several hours later, he crawled back, almost dead, and gasped, "They won't let me in without a tie!"
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Fishing is like sex, you don't have to be good at it to enjoy it.
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Old 08-04-2018, 03:37 PM   #477
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

Four old retired men are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents."

They look at each other and then go in, thinking this is too good to be true.

The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you!

What'll it be, gentlemen?" There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini.

In no time the bartender serves up four iced martinis shaken, not stirred and says, "That's 10 cents each, please."

The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, That's 40 cents, please."

They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet.

Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?"

"I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery Jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer it's all the same."

"Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says.

As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there.

Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the Bartender, "What's with them?"

The bartender says, "They're retired people from Florida. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price, plus they all have coupons."
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Fishing is like sex, you don't have to be good at it to enjoy it.
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Old 08-04-2018, 03:46 PM   #478
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

Probably a repeat, but I'm on a roll today:

A man said to his wife one day, 'I don't know how you can be
so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time.
'The wife responded, 'Allow me to explain.
God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;
God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!
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Fishing is like sex, you don't have to be good at it to enjoy it.
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Old 08-04-2018, 03:47 PM   #479
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet, I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me,
and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally.'
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When you're arguing with a fool, make sure he isn't doing the same thing.

Fishing is like sex, you don't have to be good at it to enjoy it.
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Old 08-17-2018, 10:33 PM   #480
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Re: Jokes Thread, let's have a laugh!!

Old Scottish guy finally schedules a prostate exam after his wife nagging him for years.Doc tells him to drop his drawers and bend over.Old guy limps out of the office cussing about his sore ass and light wallet.
When his wife sees him in discomfort she tells him to let her check the prostate and puts one hand on his shoulder and gently checked his prostate.Old guy starts cussing FOOOOOK,FOOOOK!!His wife asked if it hurt.He says NOoooThe bastard had BOTH hands on me shoulders!
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