Hrricane terms defined

[Fishkabobs]

Hurricane Terms Defined...

Any day now, you're going to turn on the TV and see a weatherperson
pointing to some radar blob out in the Atlantic and making two basic
meteorological points:
(1) There is no need to panic.

(2) We could all be killed.

EVACUATION ROUTE: If you live in a low-lying area, you should have an
evacuation route planned out. (To determine whether you live in a
low-lying area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida,'' you live in a
low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid
being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be
trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with
two million other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.
area, look at your driver's license; if it says "Florida,'' you live in a
low-lying area.) The purpose of having an evacuation route is to avoid
being trapped in your home when a major storm hits. Instead, you will be
trapped in a gigantic traffic jam several miles from your home, along with
two million other evacuees. So, as a bonus, you will not be lonely.

HURRICANE SUPPLIES: If you don't evacuate, you will need a mess of
supplies. Do not buy them now! Florida tradition requires that you wait
until the last possible minute, then go to the supermarket and get into
vicious fights with strangers over who gets the last can of SPAM.

In addition to food and water, you will need the following supplies: 23
flashlights. At least $167 worth of batteries that turn out, when the
power
goes out, to be the wrong size for the flashlights. Bleach. (No, I don't
know what the bleach is for. NOBODY knows what the bleach is for. But it's
traditional, so GET some!) A 55-gallon drum of underarm deodorant. A big
knife that you can strap to your leg. (This will be useless in a
hurricane,
but it looks cool.) $35,000 in cash or diamonds so that, after the
hurricane passes, you can buy a generator from a man with no discernible
teeth.

Of course these are just basic precautions. As the hurricane draws near,
it
is vitally important that you keep abreast of the situation by turning on
your television and watching TV reporters in rain slickers stand right
next
to the ocean and tell you over and over how vitally important it is for
everybody to stay away from the ocean. At that point, if you've prepared
all you can, there's frankly nothing left for you to do but pray.

Yes, hurricane season is an exciting time to be in Florida. If you're new
to the area, you're probably wondering what you need to do to prepare for
the possibility that we'll get hit by "the big one.'' The best way to get
information on this topic is to ask people who were here during Hurricane
Andrew (we're easy to recognize, because we still smell faintly of b.o.
mixed with gasoline). Based on our experiences, we recommend that you
follow this simple three-step hurricane preparedness plan:

STEP 1. Buy enough food and bottled water to last your family for at least
three days.

STEP 2. Put these supplies into your car.

STEP 3. Drive to Nebraska and remain there until Halloween.

Unfortunately, statistics show that most people will not follow this
sensible plan. Most people will foolishly stay here in Florida. If you're
one of those people, you'll want to clip out the following useful
hurricane
information and tuck it away in a safe place so that later on, when a
storm
is brewing, you will not be able to locate it. We'll start with one of the
most important hurricane preparedness items:

HOMEOWNERS' INSURANCE: If you own a home, you must have hurricane
insurance. Fortunately, this insurance is cheap and easy to get, as long
as
your home meets two basic requirements:

(1) It is reasonably well-built, and

(2) It is located in Nebraska.

Unfortunately, if your home is located in South Florida, or any other area
that might actually be hit by a hurricane, most insurance companies would
prefer not to sell you hurricane insurance, because then they might be
required to pay YOU money, and that is certainly not why they got into the
insurance business in the first place. So you'll have to scrounge around
for an insurance company, which will charge you an annual premium roughly
equal to the replacement value of your house. At any moment, this company
can drop you like used dental floss. Since Hurricane Andrew, I have had an
estimated 27 different home-insurance companies. This week, I'm covered by
the Bob and Big Stan Insurance Company, under a policy which states that,
in addition to my premium, Bob and Big Stan are entitled, on demand, to my
kidneys.

SHUTTERS: Your house should have hurricane shutters on all the windows,
all
the doors, and -- if it's a major hurricane -- all the toilets. There are
several types of shutters, with advantages and disadvantages:

Plywood shutters: The advantage is that, because you make them yourself,
they're cheap. The disadvantage is that, because you make them yourself,
they will fall off.

Sheet-metal shutters: The advantage is that these work well, once you get
them all up. The disadvantage is that once you get them all up, your hands
will be useless bleeding stumps, and it will be December.

Roll-down shutters: The advantages are that they're very easy to use, and
will definitely protect your house. The disadvantage is that you will have
to sell your house to pay for them.


"Hurricane-proof'' windows: These are the newest wrinkle in hurricane

protection: They look like ordinary windows, but they can withstand
hurricane winds! You can be sure of this, because the salesman says so. He
lives in Nebraska.

"Hurricane Proofing" Your Property: As the hurricane approaches, check
your
yard for movable objects like barbecue grills, planters, patio furniture,
visiting relatives, etc. you should, as a precaution, throw these items
into your swimming pool (if you don't have a swimming pool, you should
have
one built immediately). Otherwise, the hurricane winds will turn these
objects into deadly missiles. (If you happen to have deadly missiles in
your yard, don't worry, because the hurricane winds will turn THEM into
harmless objects).

Good luck and remember...it's great living in a tropical paradise.

[keezdiver]

oh god...that is fcking good!!!

best laugh i've had in a while...

"check your drivers licence....if it says florida...you're in a low-lying area"