#2- "Hilarity Does Not Ensue"

[FJHIII]

**Disclaimer**
This thread is not for those individuals with a weak stomach. If you are eating, I advise you to read this later.

You have been warned...

Today, June 3rd, Dave and I met up with Kevin (aka: ROCKILLER) at 6am for an early morning abalone dive. Conditions were good, the seas were flat, the wind was dead and the visibility was 5'. Dave and I pulled off 3 hours of shut eye after closing down the bar last night, we were not feeling 100% today. The three of us kicked out to the dive location and started picking our abalones.

Toward the end of our dive, I started to get cold and I felt that I might "have a turtle poking it's head out". So, we finished off our limits and started swimming back to the entry point. As I got out of the water and was walking on the shore, I felt a large rumbling and my body went into emergency countdown to explosive deification.

We ALWAYS tag our abalone on the shoreline, ALWAYS. I couldn't this time, because I was holding back either: 1) a gigantic fart, or 2) some angry Belguim beer diarrhea. As Dave notices something is not quite right by my facial expression, we exchange a short dialog.

DAVE: John, aren't you going to tag your abs right here on the shore.

ME: Not today Dave, I got to get to the car and take my suit off right away. My stomach hurts.

DAVE: Are you serious? It hurts that bad? What are you going to do if DFG comes up to you?

ME: I am not going to shit in my suit just to take time to tag my abalone, THIS IS AN EMERGENCY! They will understand.

So at this point, I make it to our car that is parked on the beach (100' from the dive entry/exit point). I was hoping to be able to drive up the hill to the local hotel to use their facility, but the emergency countdown to explosive deification has just been accelerated. I was in a hurry to locate something to wipe with, and as I reached in for the napkins.......I ran out of time. IT'S HAPPENING RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW. I look over at Dave and Kevin and say "I can't hold onto it any longer!" And that's when I let it go, it was HUGE. As I am having the largest bowel movement in my wetsuit and it felt like it was all liquid diahrea with no debris, I bend over and put my hands on my knees, I yell over at the guys, "it's still going".

Dave and Kevin can't believe that I just shit in my wetsuit. I thought that this was disgusting and funny as hell, so I start laughing so hard that I begin to cry. Now that the explosion has stopped, I begin thinking that I am going to go skinny dipping in the freezing water to wash myself and my wetsuit. That's when Kevin starts washing his gear with a hose that is on the beach. I jump in and start to flush fresh water down my farmer john bottoms (yes, I was wearing a two piece suit). Once that water hit the poop in my suit, I got a whiff. That's when IT HAPPENED- BBBLLLLLLAAAAAHHHHH.

I began projectile vomiting all over. So, here I am with brown shit running out of the legs of my wetsuit and vomiting everywhere. I kept flushing and puking and laughing so hard that I am crying. Man I was a mess at 8am this morning. I am sure I made a great first time impression with Kevin.

I am happy to report that I am now all cleaned off and driving back to Orange County from San Francisco with Dave, we have about 4 hours left in our drive.

-John Haffner

[Dnice]

Awesome

[MiguelT]

Great to hear that you didn't have to explain that one to fish and game

[Turtleshagga]

John, that's too funny!!!

Rough start to the day but at least you're all cleared out!

LMAO!

[NED]

I am sorry this happened but that is the funniest most disturbing story I have ever heard. More props for actually posting this up instead of swearing the two to secrecy.

[matt mattison]

All I can say is wow ! what a morning !!!!

[sagen]

I just did the same thing from reading this thread but unfortionatly I was on my couch. My wife is going to be pissed. Got to love the difference between men and women, I dont see girls posting stories like this(at least not for free)Classic story

[Scott Diego]

Wow... just wow

That definitely made my day...

[Kelsea]

That is better than any Tucker Max story I've read yet!

such brilliancy with wording: "but the emergency countdown to explosive deification has just been accelerated"

[Chris Lupin]

AHAHAHA nice.

[ApneaAddict]

I have never laughed so hard at a spearboard post. I literally had tears in my eyes. Horrible, disgusting and unbearably funny. My roommate (who doesn't dive) and I got a great laugh out of it. I started laughing so hard that he came in from the other room to see what was up, so I read it to him and laughed all over again. That morning-after-drinking poo can be dangerous business. Thanks for sharing and I'm glad you survived the encounter.

[W/S Fish killa]

That's the one of the best stories I've ever read on here. You're a champion for sharing that one with us. I've definitely come close to doing that before, but shitting in the wetsuit is impressive for sure. If shitting in public places is cool, consider me miles davis.

[FIT4FISH]

Pain & Suffering = Temporary / Story Rights = Priceless

[zenspearo]

If there is a place for "best of Spearboard", this post would be there...

Still wiping tear from my eyes from laughing so hard. My wife thinks I've lost my mind.

[Daryl Bulloch]

I cried tears of laughter. Thanks for sharing.